nicola's Café

Ok so there is a whole lot of controversy about Chris Brown and the whole ‘domestic violence bout’ with Rihanna BUT I cannot help but admit that I still find him to be incredibly talented and Lord knows I am attracted to talented folk. Now before you all start throwing stones at me and calling me names, I have to clarify that I am NOT an advocate for abusers of any calibre but before he becam... Read More

Ok before I delve deeply into this specific celeb crush, I would like to highlight a disclaimer that states that I am most definitely into MEN. However, I do think I have a wee bit of a girly crush on Ellen Degeneres. Prior to her role as a judge on American Idol, I really did not get the whole Ellen D as a comedian thing. I thought that perhaps she was just another try hard who had inflated to fa... Read More

Today at work, I received the shocking news of yet another break-up and I must say that it saddened me somewhat. In spite of my current aversion to male type creatures, I still find that I am a hopeless romantic at heart. My heart warms at the sound of love songs and I get something akin to a tingle in my ovaries when I see little children playing with their parents. So when I hear news of anythin... Read More

I came to a profound realisation the other day; one that perhaps the rest of the world had already figured out but nonetheless, I realised that once you get ONE stable male friendship that is without corruption or confusion, then you negate the need for a boyfriend altogether. I do not disregard the need for men; au contraire, I recognise that at some point in life, there will be boxes that are to... Read More

Many do not understand when I say this BUT I really have a crush on Simon Cowell. I know he is rather old and I probably would not date him in a real life setting, however, I genuinely believe that we could be good friends simply because I find him to be hilarious. I think that if he met me and took the opportunity to get to know me, that he would be smitten. There was a brief situation when I bro... Read More

As a single lass, there are certain days when it becomes painfully apparent that EVERY single human being around you is within the safe confines of a relationship. At times this does not bother me too much because surprisingly, I actually enjoy being single, but there are other times when you feel like it would be nice to have someone to confide in. It is at the times like these that I remember th... Read More

I have always had a soft spot for creative men, especially those who have musical talent [more specifically, the ability to sing]. There is something about a singing man that makes me loose all my natural decorum and act like a teenage groupie on a caffeine high. The first time I realised this about myself, was in a professional situation. If you do not already know, I happen to also work part tim... Read More

When I woke up this morning, it was to mild sunshine, birds chirping and a very disturbing text message from Oscar. You see when he slipped me his telephone number; I had great reservations about whether or not to make use of it. I had no romantic interest in him whatsoever but being the lovely individual that I am, I figured that no harm could come from befriending the oddball. You would think th... Read More

Ok so guys, it looks like I have met yet another guy and as per usual I was simply minding my own business when he approached me. FINE so maybe yet again I wasn’t entirely minding my own business but to be fair, he worked in a restaurant and I HAD to speak to him in order to make my order; let me tell you the story. My dear friend Sookie and I discovered a cheap Nigerian restaurant pretty darn c... Read More

Ok so I mentioned that I recently met a guy called Jack and how we met on the train, he was hot [ish], stylish and yet again with child? No? yes well it was at the point that he informed me of this fact that I decided that perhaps my personal magnet had widened its scope to introduce ‘fathers’ into the mix of crazy folk that I seem to attract. Then I thought about it further and decided that p... Read More

Yesterday, I was lamenting the fact that there were no new men in my life to write about and so I went to visit my dear friend Sookie to drown our sorrows in wine and ribs when I had an encounter that changed my predicament somewhat. I was on the train, minding my own business as per usual, sitting opposite a decent looking man. To be fair, I had forgotten my iPod so I wasn’t so much minding my ... Read More

Ok so I watched the Twilight movies just like everyone else but unlike everyone else, I really could not see the huge fascination with Edward Cullen. I mean if the whole broody thing floats your boat then so be it but the whole vampire thing? Not bloody likely! I happen to originally be from a hot country and I already have slight problems with the unpredictable nature of London weather so dating ... Read More

Today, as I often do, I thought about the concept of love. I thought about the fact that before one enters into a relationship, they have to be open to the idea of allowing someone else in: into their lives, into their mind, into their hearts. Then, I thought about the fact that it was this process of ‘letting people in’ that breeds a vulnerability which in turn leads to a broken heart if the ... Read More

Since there are currently no new men in my life, I decided to focus on the fictitious or rather celebrity men in my life [in my head]. Right now, the man that seems to be featuring is Robert Downey Jnr [you may know him as Sherlock Holmes/Iron man]. My crush on him is not based on his looks per se but rather his charisma. The characters that he plays always seem to be a little eccentric but genius... Read More

Recently I discovered another reason for my single status as I decided that I was just like wolverine...no, not for any of the cool reasons - I do not heal really quickly neither do I have a set of knifes hidden under my skin but just because I am incredibly hairy. I had never really noticed this problem until a friend of mine brushed past my legs and practically began to bleed from the impact...h... Read More

Today, I entered a bus and as per usual, I placed my oyster card against the machine and went to saunter onwards when I realised that even if I had placed a tomato against the machine and made a beeping sound with my mouth, the bus driver would not have noticed a thing as his eyes were firmly focused on my bosoms.

I was at one point a law student and in the deep recesses of my memory, I can see... Read More

As I am sure all women do, I decided that I was still single only because my body shape was not at all desirable but unlike most women, I actually desire a bigger bottom than the one I currently posses. At the time, I dismissed all such thoughts as silly until one faithful day I turned on the T.V. and was greeted to the musical styles of the black eyed peas 'my humps' and so as you do I began to ... Read More

Recently, I have found myself breaking every rule I have ever set with respect to dating, the biggest of these being the one that specified that I would never resort to online dating as a means of finding a partner. It had all started as an elaborate joke that was a result of a night of intense boredom; a girlfriend and I had decided to go on a social networking/dating site and hunt down men [from... Read More

Ok so if you remember, I told you all about K, the guy who approached me a full year ago and then called me a week ago in hope of...well to be fair, I do not know what he was hoping for, but call he did. So today, I am minding my very own business, doing a spot of speed window shopping [in lieu of actual cardio] when I see a familiar face. Knowing that this familiar face was most definitely attach... Read More

After reading yet another comment from a man about ‘how complex women are’ I decided to really take a moment to evaluate my gender and determine if they are deserving of such a title. When I think to myself as a woman, I really do not think that I am complicated in my ways – like all women, I believe that in a man, I look for a companionship, ambition and strength with a healthy dash of good... Read More

Ok guys so I did something in the past that is entirely contrary to my nature [no, I was not previously a wanton whore] BUT I did watch the Sex and the City Movie without watching a single episode of the series. Please do not throw stones at me but at the time of its popularity, I did not really understand the fascination and so I shunned all episode screenings. However, when the film came out, I ... Read More

I have observed a lot of crushes that I have seen occur [my own included] and I have realised that they are mostly borne out of what I have decided to call ‘the hero worship complex’. I am sure you are all sat with bated breath waiting for me to explain this one sooooo here goes. A sizeable number of crushes develop when a guy enters your life and seems to have the answer to your problems and ... Read More

Last night I had a conversation with someone who I think may end up being a friend of sorts [let us call him Jim]. Now Jimmy has taken up a role in my life that is akin somewhat to a therapist and as we spoke, we realised that we had experienced semi-similar things and were slightly alike, although I sincerely believe that he has evolved to a level of spiritual/emotional maturity that really has s... Read More

Today I am really sad to announce that the nation’s favourite comedic couple, Dawn French and Lenny Henry have spilt after 25 years of marriage. The pair withstood years of racism with regards to their interracial relationship and the general pressures of a relationship in the public eye and yet they split now after decades. In a bout of journalistic curiosity [aka pure nosiness], I began to won... Read More

For the first time in a long time, I thought about a guy I knew and liked in high school called Sampaul [again obv not his real name but it is not too far from the truth]. As I have been the queen of quasi since perhaps birth, I was in some sort of blurred friendship with him, but to be fair, a part of me knew he was playing me but kept at it like a fool so I am equally to blame.

The fact is t... Read More

Guys, as you all know, I LOVE my job but recently I have come to realize that it terrifies men when I tell them what I do for a living. Immediately they think that should we begin to date that I am going to write up some sort of torrid ‘sexposé’ about them and quite frankly, I do not understand the fear because an accurate depiction of my life is most definitely ’sexless in the city’.

... Read More

It would seem that the stars of teen movie sensation, High School Musical [hereafter HSM] have figured out the solution to the relationship riddles that I have dedicated myself to answering. Apparently, if one is looking to meet and keep the ideal partner then the key is to star alongside them in a musical!

As we all know, heartthrob Zac Effron has been involved in an off screen relationship w... Read More

Last night, I received a missed call from a number that I really did not recognise, and so today I did what any normal person [who doesn’t have to live in fear of stalkers] would do and I returned the call. The very INSTANT that the male voice sounded on the other side of the phone, I knew who it was but there was nothing I could do to prevent the sequence of events that followed.

The voice ... Read More

So I woke up this morning with blurry vision, a thumping headache and a slight queasiness that was probably due to the Krispy Kreme overload that I had embraced the night before. I can hear you all thinking that I had an awesome night, filled with the sugary treats and alcoholic beverages that were causing my evident hangover...right? WRONG. The night before was not filled with mischievous festivi... Read More

When I was younger, I used to be really into Greek mythology; I watched a lot of Hercules and Xena-Warrior princess, I read all the stories etc and so forth. So recently, I began to recall the story of Medusa, you know, the female creature [called a Gorgon] with a woman’s head that was adorned with snakes instead of good old fashioned hair follicles. The tale was this – anyone who looked into ... Read More

Ok you must all be used to me coining some new phrase attached to an elaborate theory by now, and so as not to disappoint, I have yet another one for you: I give you ‘zero point five men’. What is this you ask [so glad you did], ‘zero point five men’ is my new theory about the type of men or rather relationship situations that I attract. It would appear that I can NEVER just meet a man tha... Read More

Up until yesterday evening, I have NEVER experienced the phenomenon of getting ‘stood up’ but I thoroughly understand why it is severely annoying, even more so for me but in order for you to understand why I specifically found it irritating, I have to fill you in on the background story of the newest man in my life [even though I sincerely doubt he will be there for much longer]. Ok so last Th... Read More

I have only ever heard of one occasion where someone was able to change another person. I mean like a total transformation from evil to good and that was with God and Paul on the road to Damascus. I know I tell you a lot of bible stories but I was brought up in the church and so the things I have learnt have stayed with me and since you are all here reading about me, you get the pleasure of readin... Read More

I have listened to countless girlfriends telling me all the crazy/pathetic things they had done because of a man and the way he had treated them, in fact I myself had done my fair share of stupid things. Then I realised that although we had all once been the person telling the story, the second that the story is not our own, we are quick to anger on behalf of our friend, quick to tell her that she... Read More

‘Don’t hate the player, hate the game’

This phrase is often used in relation to male-female interactions and I have heard it a billion times; in books, on T.V. and straight from the mouths of real, breathing people and I never used to understand it but then one day someone explained it to me. It meant that say for example you as a woman were ‘played’ by a man who pretended... Read More

Recently, I realised that short men seem to feel the need to over compensate for their vertically impaired stature by exhibiting some sort of strange persona. When I first met Tatooth, he seemed like a reasonable fellow but it struck me as odd that every time he would attempt to ‘make a move’ on me that he would resort to some sort of cliché and either begin to speak in baritone or quote some... Read More

Today I had a thought, nothing revolutionary, just a slightly humorous thought and then I realised that the person that I would have otherwise shared such a thought with was now unavailable to me. The person in question is Clark, and the problem is not that we no longer speak, because that we do – rather the problem is the way we speak. In light of past events, it feels like the both of us are s... Read More

I thought you would all be interested to know that Clark is no longer part of my life. Considering the last time this almost happened, I practically hyperventilated, you will understand that this was not an easy decision for me to make. This time I didn’t even do it for utilitarian purposes, it wasn’t for the greater good- it was for me. You see Clark wasn’t mine but he felt like it; I share... Read More

Last week I read a novel, and one of the main characters was essentially the mistress in a crazy love triangle. The crazy thing about it however, was the fact that the wife in this situation was aware of her existence; in fact the married couple were French and had what they had dubbed ‘an open relationship’. The terms of this strange set up dictated that he [the husband] was allowed to disapp... Read More

Ok so guys, I am very sad to say the following words but I have to be honest – I failed – that’s right, February 14th 2010 came and went and nothing – absolutely nothing. Minus a brief happy V day message, Clark was out of reach and I had chased my back up plan [Tatooth] away with my mean demeanour and so I spent the most romantic day of the year at work. It was almost like a date except f... Read More

Previously I spoke about the men of our generation and how they needed to learn to love like the cavemen did; it inspired me to take an equally analytical look at women throughout time– surely they must have had a part to play in the ease of relationships before modern times. After I began to think about this, it occurred to me that historical women seemed to have knowledge of some sort of anci... Read More

I used to wonder why for women would it hurt so much when we lost someone we loved prematurely whether it was because they broke up with us or simply never loved us back and I assumed it was merely because they left you feeling unwanted or confused but now I have a different theory. With each romantic [quasi] relationship you build with a member of the opposite sex, over a period of time, you give... Read More

After a lot of thinking regarding relationships, I began to wonder why it seemed to be so difficult nowadays to form one – I mean history appeared to suggest that the quest for love was much easier back in the day. If you subscribe to the theory of evolution, then take a look at the monkeys; I mean all it took for them was a shared banana and then BOOM, they would mate and seal the deal. Think a... Read More

Recently, I realised that I am at times more of a man than a woman. Now before you all start letting your jaws drop with shock and requesting photos of my genitalia, I would like to clarify that anatomically/biologically speaking; I AM WITHOUT DOUBT A FEMALE. However, there are times that my reactions to certain situations are more appropriate for a male type creature. For example, even though I a... Read More

You all know about the challenge I set for myself and I’ll have you know that thus far, it is not working too well. I think my inexperience in the application of ‘the rules’ is working very much against me. I am aware that I am supposed to keep the man in question at arm’s length but I’m thinking that perhaps I was a smidgen too cold the last time that ‘Tatooth’ spoke to me and I hav... Read More

Just now, I was minding my own business, doing a spot of work when my phone rang. Seeing a number that I did not recognise, I answered only to hear a male voice that I really wasn’t too familiar with. Afraid to offend the voice, I did what I always would in such a situation and continued the conversation as if positive of whom I was speaking to. Alas, I am not as stealthy as I had imagined as he... Read More

Last night I was suffering from one of my famous bouts of insomnia when I began to read yet another novel which had a character who lived her dating live in accordance to ‘the rules’. There were so many; ‘never accepting a date for the weekend any later than Wednesday, never calling the man unless someone was on the brink of death’ etc. In my bat like state, I began to wonder about the ‘... Read More

The day is Wednesday the 3rd of February, the time 16:58 and as I speak to a girlfriend excited about the guy she just met, I realise that we are soon approaching February the 14th – a day when all women in relationships gloat and those who aren’t make secret plots to find cupid, take away his bow and arrow…and them slap him with it. Every year, this day comes around and I think to myself, m... Read More

Recently, I had been forced to go to my cousin’s apartment in order to use the internet, due to the fact that our service providers [t-mobile] were essentially screwing us over and so we had been forced to leave the contract and wait patiently for our new providers. Let me just take the time out to unashamedly say that t-mobile are vile and one day, I will find the ‘T’ of t-mobile and delive... Read More

A few days ago, I read a book with three different female protagonists; Adrianna – a fiery Brazilian who had the unique skill of male seduction, Emmy – the typical good girl who made a firm decision to date casually and then developed an insatiable thirst for sexual gratification and finally Tracy, the lover of novels who is unsatisfied with her seemingly perfect relationship and falls instead... Read More